In The Mourning
by OnTheLastPage
Summary: Set after Doomsday... Need I say more? Be warned... I teared up writing this. If you hate me for writing this, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Rated M for slight cussing.


*This is set right after the Doctor loses Rose. As the story goes on, more bits of Doomsday will appear. At the end I used some lyrics from the song In The Mourning by Paramore. I apologize to you all for this.*

"_Rose, hold on! Hold on! Rose! Rooooooooose!"_

The Doctor woke up, shaking, with tears in his eyes.

"What a strange dream. It felt so real."

He got out of bed and started gettting himself ready, letting his companion have a few more hours of sleep. He never understood the humans need to sleep most of their life away.

The TARDIS hummed sadly, and a deep blue cast throughout his room.

"What's wrong old girl? What's got you upset?"

He walked to the kitchen to make some breakfast when he noticed some shoes laying on the floor.

"Oh, Rose. You are a very messy woman."

The TARDIS again hummed sadly, louder this time and the Doctor again asked her if she was all right. The humming continued getting louder and the Doctor made a mental note to check on her after breakfast.

After he made breakfast, he decided it would be a nice gesture to give Rose her breakfast in bed. They had been having a lot of difficult adventures lately and he wanted to make today solely about her. So he slung her sneakers over his shoulder and carried the plate of food and cup of tea down the hall toward Roses room. Walking toward her room the TARDIS almost shrieked in defiance. She didn't want him to go into his companions room.

"Oi! Stop it old girl! There's no way Rose is up yet. And even if she was, she has a lock on her door. I'm not going to just barge in on her getting dressed. I may be a daft old man, but I have manners."

Walking up to the door, the Doctor used his knee to knock. He knocked louder and called out her name when he didn't hear a response. Getting frustrated that Rose wasn't answering, the Doctor put the tea on a nearby table and opened Roses door.

"Rose Tyler, extraordinary things are happening right now and you're stuck in bed missing-

Rose?"

He was staring at the bed, the bed that was missing a certain pink and yellow human. Deciding she was probably in the bathroom, the Doctor walked up to the door and knocked.

"I don't see why you waste time putting on makeup when it's all just going to come off fighting aliens anyway!"

He waited for her retort, waited for her to tell him it was his fault they got into those situations. She didn't answer.

"And anyway, you look beautiful! You always do. Come on! I made you some breakfast. I'm making today about whatever you want to do! We can even go and visit Jackie!"

He cringed at that and was again expecting Rose to say something. Anything. But there was nothing, only the sound of silence and sad humming coming from the TARDIS. He opened the bathroom door and noticed it to be missing his companion.

"Maybe she woke up already and is looking around for me?"

He walked out of her room and started searching one of the many corridors for her.

"Rose! Rose! Roooooooossssssseeeeeeee!"

He stopped dead in his tracks as the full memory of his dream came flooding back.

"_You will never be able to see her again! Your own mother!"_

"_I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never gonna leave you."_

_Rose was reaching for a lever, it was out of reach where she was. There was no way she could hold on for long._

"_I've just got to get it!"_

_She was being pulled, the force was too strong, way too strong for her tiny body to fight against._

"_Rose, hold on! Hold on!"_

_Her fingers were sliding, she seemed to let go so quickly, but fall so slowly. The image of her falling would forever burn in his memory._

"_Rose! Roooooose! Roooooooooooossssssssseeeeeeeee!"_

_She was falling and all he could do was scream her name. _

_The breach was sealed. He walked closer toward the wall._

_**No. No. Rose! No! **_

_He never thought he could hate a white wall as much as he did in that moment. He could have sworn he heard her screams of anguish from the other side._

"_Take me back! Take me back! Take me back!"_

_Was she slamming her hands against the wall? Was she crying? Was she hating him as much as he hated himself?_

_He placed his hand against the wall. Solid. There was no way through, no way to get to her. She was gone. Placing his cheek against the wall, he imagined he was mirroring Rose. That she was doing the same on her side of the wall, in her cursed universe._

_**I've lost her. She's gone.**_

_Completely numb, the Doctor walked out of the building, past the hysterical humans rejoicing over the world being saved, past the mourning humans who had lost loved ones in the battle, past everyone who didn't matter. Because they weren't her. And he would never see her again._

_Closing the TARDIS doors behind him, the Doctor let himself feel. He slumped against the doors and cried. The TARDIS nudged at his mind, asking him what was wrong._

"_She's gone. I lost her. Rose is-"_

_Standing up, the Doctor felt anger. At himself, at the Universe, at every stinking ape that wasn't HIS Rose Tyler._

"_After everything I've done for you! After all the fucking times I have spent saving you and THIS is how you repay me?! Well it's not fair!" _

_He was screaming at the Universe. Throwing things off of counters in a fit of anger, there was a crunching sound like glass breaking. Looking down at his feet, the Doctor noticed the photo of him and Rose. The frame was now broken, but the picture was okay. He picked the photo up, wiping broken glass away so he could see the image better. The picture was taken after the 2012 Olympics, Roses arm was looped around the Doctors, and the look on her face was so beautiful. He traced the picture, thinking back about the conversation they had that day._

"_They keep trying to split us up. But they never, ever will."_

"_Never say never ever."_

_The Doctor clutched the photo to his chest and sobbed. Falling to his knees he begged the Universe to bring her back. He begged for this to all be just a cruel dream and he would wake up the next morning like everything was fine._

_**She's gone. I lost her. She's gone. She's gone.**_

Something shattered, snapping the Doctor back to reality. At first he thought it was his hearts that had shattered. But, he realized after feeling egg on his socks, that he had dropped the plate of food he had made for Rose.

"Rose..."

He searched the console room for any sign that this wasn't real. That it was just a dream that shook him to the core. Everything seemed to be tidy, no books were on the floor, no papers strewn about. The Doctor was about to breathe a sigh of relief when he noticed it. The picture. It was sitting neatly on one of the tables. There was no frame around it, just the picture. Just like in his dream. Just like in his nightmare.

"Oh, oh. Very funny old girl! You almost got me. Trying to make me think Rose was gone. You even came up with a very realistic dream to make it seem real."

He was chuckling. He wouldn't allow himself to believe that what he saw was real. He was convinced the TARDIS and Rose had played a trick on him.

"Well, this isn't funny anymore Rose Tyler! I've got egg on my socks! Don't suppose you'll want to eat those now, will you? Now come on! Enough hide and seek! Big day planned!"

The TARDIS grew a darker hue of blue, humming her sad melody again.

"Don't start that again! I know this is all just a trick and I'm not buying it anymore!"

He was screaming now, almost to hysterics. The TARDIS seemed to wrap the hue around the Doctor and cradle him.

"Come- come on. Just admit this was all just a cruel joke. Come on. Please? Just tell me this is all just some weird joke you and Rose created and- and-"

The Doctor was on his knees, tears were silently falling down his cheeks as the reality started sinking in.

"No, no. This can't be real. It can't be. She- Rose told me forever. She told me she would stay with me forever. So, she can't be gone. I can't have lost her. I just- she can't."

He was telling the TARDIS what he saw as proof that Rose couldn't be gone. Because he had believed it when she had told him forever, she had to stay.

Speaking in Gallifreyan, the Doctor continousily whispered Rose's name as the TARDIS gently rocked him to sleep.

"Please, please don't make me forget again. Please, I want to know. Please, don't let this be a dream."

He pleaded with the TARDIS as sleep took over. She sadly obliged and didn't hide his memories from him as she had the day he lost Rose. Bringing his room to the front, the TARDIS softly laid the Doctor in his bed. Placing the picture next to him while he slept, she silently closed his door and turned off the light.

She cleaned up the food and glass, and emptied the cup of tea outside of Roses room. Watching over her Doctor, the TARDIS thought up a plan that would help him cope. It would take time, but she had a way that just might work to see his Rose again. If only to say goodbye.

The Doctor awoke the next day and grabbed the photo and clutched it to his chest. He wasn't ready to let her go, he wasn't ready to just say goodbye and never see her again. But he could sense what the TARDIS was planning and stood up, got dressed, and walked out of his room to plan a new day.

The start of many without Rose.

* * *

The TARDIS took him to different planets and time zones, where the Doctor time and time again saved planets, civilizations, species of all different kinds. But, his hearts were never in it. He never thrilled in saving anyone anymore. So, the TARDIS decided that it was time, and she helped the Doctor send out a message.

"You're dead. Officially back home. So many people went missing that day. You're on the list of the dead."

"Am I ever going to see you again?"

"You can't."

Even as he had told her she couldn't, he still found himself thinking **Never say never ever. **But he knew that it was impossible. Two worlds would collapse if he tried. It seemed so tempting.

"I l- I love you."

"Quite right too. And, I suppose... If it's my last chance to say it.. Rose Tyler-"

"So much for the damn closure." the Doctor whispered as tears streamed down his face after the two minutes were up and he didn't have enough time to tell the woman he loved how he felt. How he had always felt. The TARDIS set her coordinates for someplace to take the Doctors mind off his pain. Smiling at the ceiling the Doctor stopped the TARDIS from making a destination and asked her to stay floating.

"If it's all right with you, I'm not ready to go on an adventure just yet. I think I need to-"

He was cut off by seeing a woman in a wedding dress standing in his control room. He laughed bitterly at his luck. The Universe hated him that much that he wasn't allowed to be broken over the loss of his Rose.

* * *

He went on an adventure with the Donna woman, and as he walked back into his room when he had helped save Donna's life, the Doctor picked up the photo of Rose and himself and traced her face. The TARDIS hummed sadly, and started wrapping him up like she had almost every night since he had lost Rose.

"You know, she was the greatest thing to happen in all my lives after the war. She became a big part of me. But now," he stroked the picture again. "now she's just a memory that I need to let go of. Oh, but I don't want to let go of her old girl. I'm not ready to let her go."

He yawned as sleep was slowly taking over, his tears starting to flow more freely now.

"When that day comes, where I'm ready to let her go, that is when I'll truly mourn. In the mourning, I will rise. In the mourning I'll let her die. I'll somehow survive. In the mourning."


End file.
